Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Breaking my heart

I feel so bad for my little Jonas. He's gone through a lot with the divorce. I know that he's loved a lot and taken care of well by his mom, and by me and Erin when he's with me. So I preface this story with an understanding that Jonas going back and forth between mom and dad is hard on him, and that he doesn't fully understand what the divorce is. But he is loved by everyone and we all are working to make sure he feels loved completely.

On the way to my house last Friday Jonas and I talked the entire ride home. I was a bit shocked, since we got home at 10:30. On the way home he kept tellimg me. "Daddy, I like staying at mommy's more than I your house. Daddy, I like it at mommy's house better." I was crushed. Of course mommy has always been his favorite, but still it hurt. I tried not to show it, and I was glad that it was dark and he couldn't see my initial reaction before I composed myself and asked, "Why do like mom's more?" "I don't know, I just do." "That's ok. You can like being at mom's more. But I love you just as much, if not more than mom, and I really look forward to you coming to see me." "yeah, but I just want to stay at mom's all the time. Maybe you can come and stay at mom's with us like you used to, when you and her were married." "no, Jonas, I'm sorry we can't do that. Your mom and I aren't married anymore, we had problems when we were married. We both love you very much, and we both want you all the time, but it can't be that way, so we talk and figure out when you can get to be with each of us." I was very careful to try and phrase everything as him being with us rather than us trading him back and forth like he was a toy that we both wanted. We do both want him all the time, but it's at least as much for him to be with us as it is for us to be with him. We kept talking and he continued with "I like mommy more than I like you." "That's ok. But I still love you very much, and I love it when you are with me." "Yeah but she's my favorite." "I understand, and it's ok for mommy to be your favorite." "Yeah, but Nam is her favorite." "REALLY!!! Why would you say that?" "Because mom talks to nam all the time, and she doesn't really talk to me, and she doesn't play games with me, she just talks to nam." Jonas is almost in tears at this point. "Jonas She may talk to Nam more sometimes, but Nam is her mom, just like she's your mom, and she likes to talk to her a lot, just like you like to talk to your mom a lot." "Yeah." Somehow that seemed to end the conversation in Jonas' mind and he moved on to other topics.

Everytime he told me he likes mom's better hurt a little, but that didn't make me want him any less. If anything it may have made sure that I focused more of my weekend time with him this week. I did spend practically every waking moment with him. We did dishes, played games, read books (lots of books). Got pumpkins and decorated them. Jonas and I have a tradition. When he's here, he and I run to the grocery store to get something and he helps me pick out a flower for Erin, usually a single rose, but sometimes a carnation. We've even gotten her a dozen roses a few times. Jonas loves this. He always gets to hold the flowers and bring them into the house for Erin. Even though I feel like they are from me, I think he really thinks that he's giving Erin the flowers. Anyway, I'm getting off topic.