Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Hilarity of government forms

Just when I felt that my blogging was getting stale a government form shows up to show me the light. Erin has received papers from the state of Illinois trying to get her to sue me for child support and threatening to remove her State medical card if she does not. She is unemployed and being supported completely by me :) and I love that she's home taking care of the kids while I'm at work. She had to fill out a questionnaire to send back whether she was going to sue for child support or not. She's not. Here are some of the standard questions.

To start with it wants the mothers birth date and her age. Hello. Isn't the age the number of years since the birth date? Maybe we can get people who know how to open a little calculator program on their computer and say if they were born in 1980 then they are 26 now. Are they trying to catch you in a lie. "Uh I was born in 1990, but I'm 18, give me cigarettes" (don't laugh if you don't get it.)

It asks for the mothers license #, hair color, eye color, height, weight, race and job. I'm not sure what the height weight and eye color are for. Maybe they plan on putting out an APB.

Then it asks for "Church, clubs or organizations Mother belongs to". Do they plan on sending the police to interrogate these people for additional information?

Next comes the fathers information with again Date of Birth and age, I'm still lying about my age. I'll tell them the right date of birth, but I'm gonna be 25 for a couple more years.

Again the License #, Hair color, eye color, height, weight, and race. You know, the funny thing is that this is an Illinois form. This same information is required when you get a license so they already have it in their database. Drivers license number should be sufficient.

The form needs both the mother and fathers make and model of car plus the license number. Again these are things that are already registered with the state.

Some other poignant questions.
"Has paternity been established for the child by a court or administrative order" if it were, would that be a state database? These people really need to learn how to check their own systems. Maybe our government wouldn't be so inefficient if it actually knew how to look for the data that it already had.

"Where was the child conceived" Ok, this one they wouldn't know. But it didn't leave an option for unknown either. It asks for City, county and state. I wanted Erin to put "in a bar bathroom", but we didn't have the space for it.

"Where was the child born", with this we put the place that the hospital is, yes it's a hospital in the state so it's in their records already. Please, get organized Illinois!!!

"Are the parents of the child married", followed by "Are the parents of the child divorced" I wonder if they mean with each other? What if I was married to person C and Erin was married to person A, then the parents of the child are married. I am currently divorced, if Erin were ... Oh heck if you need it explained then it's not funny.

Finally the best one of them all, in bold at the bottom "IF MORE THAN ONE MAN COULD BE THE FATHER OF THIS CHILD, PLEASE PROVIDE THE SAME INFORMATION FOR EACH MAN ON A SEPARATE SHEET OF PAPER."

That's right, in bold and all upper case it says this. You aren't expected to know who the father is, but you are expected to know where the baby was conceived. What kind of a party was this at the one location with all these different men.


Erin wanted to make sure that the state of Illinois understands that she does not want to press charges. So she decided to write a friendly little note:

"Jaden Rigney's father and mother live together. Steven Rigney is the sole provider in our home, I stay at home. We do not need a child support hearing because of the following reasons:

1. He is the sole provide
2. We live together
3. We are getting married on may 13th at 1:30 pm (if you would like to attend)"

Thank you state of Illinois for forcing us to fill out these forms, wasting our time, and our money to pay you for this service. At least we had a good laugh from it.